Horoscope for Babies, September 2019

Aries

March 21-April 19

Your energy is high and your focus is strong, Aries Baby. This month you have the rare ability to continually drop your sippy cup from your high chair at least thirty-eight times per meal, and you should, for this will help maintain your dominance in the social structure of your home. At random intervals, reward your caretakers for retrieving the sippy cup by blowing spit bubbles and waving your arms up and down excitedly. (Don’t do this every time or they will expect it.)

Your lucky color: sunshine
Your lucky number: 38

Taurus

April 20-May 20

You’re feeling extra sensitive this month, Taurus Baby, and emotions are running high. Be on guard for triggers like having to touch sand or grass, the sound of the toaster, the cat looking at you, or mom holding you on the wrong hip. Avoid them when possible and shriek for at least 15 minutes when you can’t.

Your lucky color: cobalt
Your lucky number: none, numbers make you cry this month

Gemini

May 21-June 20

Everything is going your way this month, Gemini Baby. Your morning contemplations of the mobile over your crib have brought a meditative, therapeutic start to each day. You will have many enriching discoveries, your toes being the most impactful. Study them, taste them, keep them in your grasp, and delight in each one.

Your lucky color: mint
Your lucky number: 10

Cancer

June 21-July 22

Things feel out of sync right now, Cancer Baby, and there’s no getting around it this month. Last month your naps and night routine were bragged about to everyone, but now you’re waking up full of energy and an entire minute of appetite at midnight, 2:26, and 4:51 a.m. Bedtime is a social construct, no matter what your parents say, and should they attempt to wait outside your door like cowards while you “cry it out,” you should wail as if the house was on fire.

Your lucky color: cherry
Your lucky number: 26

Leo

July 23-August 22

You are a master of communication this month, Leo Baby, and everyone in your sphere totally gets where you’re coming from and what you need. In fact, you’ll begin to notice that your shorter, more economical names for family and everyday objects are catching on. This is a compliment to your intelligence and efficiency. Soon everyone will understand the silliness of calling a dog Mister McFluffkins, when you can call it Gllrgg.

Your lucky color: grass
Your lucky number: 77

Virgo

August 23-September 22

You’re growing in ways you can’t imagine this month, Virgo Baby, so dress for comfort because you’re in for a ride. After all, if you’re going to fully outgrow everything in your closet in only a few short weeks, you can’t be fussing with ruffles or buttons on the daily. You’ve got a mind-blowing amount of calories to consume starting now, so keep your fashion choices simple and stretchy.

Your lucky color: grape
Your lucky number: 44

Libra

September 23-October 22

You’ve been putting things off, Libra Baby, and now there are no more excuses. You have the desire. You have the strength. It’s time to scoot over to the coffee table and pull yourself up to a standing position once and for all. There is wild applause and a stack of coasters waiting for you.

Your lucky color: azalea
Your lucky number: 17

Scorpio

October 23-November 21

You’re known for being flexible, Scorpio Baby, but this is a month to stand your ground. Fiercely arch your back every time you are being put in your car seat and during all diaper changes. Tears are completely optional, so play them by ear. Do not attempt to explain yourself to anyone except for Grandma. Grandma is the only one who understands.

Your lucky color: navy
Your lucky number: 2

Sagittarius

November 22-December 21

Get in touch with your artistic side this month, Sagittarius Baby. Body paint with your carrot puree. Sketch on the carpet with mom’s lipstick. Bounce to the rhythm of the washing machine, and bob to the melody of the dog barking. Pull everything out of the cupboard and create the drum set of your dreams. Be one with the wooden spoon.

Your lucky color: tangerine
Your lucky number: 5

Capricorn

December 22-Jan 19

You’ve been pushing yourself too hard, Capricorn Baby, and it’s time for a little R&R. Sure, technically you can move from place to place by yourself, but reach those arms out and hitch a ride with a big person headed in your direction. Enjoy the free ride and the aerial view of the house. This is how one gains perspective. Take the opportunity for a few extra naps in the car or stroller, but try not to fall asleep until moments before you reach your destination.

Your lucky color: slate blue
Your lucky number: 100

Aquarius

Jan 20-Feb 18

Conflicts abound this month, Aquarius Baby, so you’ll need a thick skin and plenty of diversions to get through. There’s no good reason why your beloved pacifier is suddenly being taken away after being with you your entire life. Perhaps it is to prepare you for the myriad tragedies of the human experience. There is one area of solace and that is Grandpa’s nose. Grab it with both hands and gnaw on it, for it is full of wisdom and experience.

Your lucky color: tomato
Your lucky number: 9

Pisces

Feb 19-Mar 20

You’ve been feeling aloof lately, Pisces Baby, but things are about to turn. The full moon this month will give way to sleep you haven’t known since the womb and satisfying belches after meals. Earth is a strange place, but you’re finding your footing and learning that constipation yesterday is not constipation forever.

Your lucky color: lilac
Your lucky number: 4

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